A Non-Horsey Husband’s Guide: How To Survive (and Thrive) With A Horsey Wife

This tongue in cheek series will guide even the most clueless of us into knowing the DO’s and more importantly the DO NOT’s of this complex world.

Now firstly. Before we begin, the first rule is to realise there is a specific hierarchy in any horse girls life. Although you are important… the horse means way more. You can try and fight it, but the easiest way to move forward is just accepting that this for legged beast is here to stay and will not be scheduled around you. In fact, you will now spend you whole life making sure you will be back in time to ‘put the horse to bed’. This might sound familiar to the seasoned horsey husbands and wives but if you are new here welcome and good luck…

Listen up, horses are not any form of hobby. There are in-fact a strange life-long subscription with all these hidden additional fees that however hard you try, you cannot seem to cancel.

The most expensive frequent purchases are; firstly, the horses house, also known as a monthly payment for horse livery. if we are wanting to get professional about it. I never thought a tin shed, sand pen and someones back garden with electric fencing would equate to the same monthly payment as my mortgage each month. But hay-ho we don’t take money to the grave I suppose.

Horse pedicures, yep I said it. Every 5 weeks, or it might be stretched to 6 if you are lucky, although I am not sure whether the horse actually needs it or its just a good excuse for the wife to chew the farriers ear off. The farrier is the poor bloke that often walks like John Wayne, wears chaps and always seems to have noise cancelling headphones in, not that the wife has ever noticed. Now, don’t get me started on all the other money making schemes… supplements, whoever thought of popping talcum powder like substances into a container, sticking a photo of a horse on the front and claiming that it is scientifically proven to improve horse well-being is one clever cookie. My wife is a sucker for that stuff!

The worst part is I have not even scratched the surface with all of the finances but we can come back to that at a later date, just don’t get me started on tack, thats a whole blog on its own. The new Butet saddle or LeMeiux bridle equating to five times my monthly salary does make me wince but whatever keeps a smile of that face is most important I guess.

If you take anything from this short extract into this strange world, a personal favourite piece of advice that a stranger (also non-horsey) gave to me at regionals two years ago, while I was watching at the sidelines I simply stated in jest to him how expensive the classes were, let alone all the gear and he bluntly responded by saying never ask her how much something was, instead ask if you need to budget for anything coming up. I simply repeated this over dinner to see how it would go down that evening and to my surprise I instantly gained some form of elite partner status. I presume I sounded as though I cared, more than I actually do anyway. We chatted about clearing the coloured sticks in the sand pen and buying more of the silky mane spray… which makes everything feel sticky to me, but what do I know and ever since then, she seems to have a monthly budget meeting with me for ‘our’ upcoming equine related expenses. I will take it though as it is better to have some idea, compared to the old time surprise vets bills… they add up quickly!

Now, I must go, as she will be back from her lesson soon, unless she has been caught up with the latest yard gossip. I better put the kettle on, I cannot wait to hear all about it, actually I would quite like to not hear all about it but I don’t think I have much say in the matter…